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Fellow citizens, the time has come to put aside all our petty
reservations about accepting perhaps a slightly more restrictive
society, with its subtle impacts on our way of life, to implement
the kind of laws we need for life in a safer, more assured world.
The time has come to warm up to the idea of a police state.
Aw, c'mon, give it a fair chance!
We live in scary times, more frightening than ever. It's even
been reported lately that -- BOO!
Ha-ha, gave you a little fright there, didn't it? Just goes
to prove what we're saying. When you can't even read harmless-seeming
magazine articles without getting the willies, it's time to
do something radical!
We're off to a great start with that ultimately Patriotic Act.
Now, a smorgasbord of federal agencies can examine a suspect's
bank accounts, the record of everything they've checked out
of the library, and other records, and then order the bank or
library not to tell you that this surveillance ever happened.
You can almost hear the whine of the liberals' motors starting
up: "1984!" "Totalitarian regime!" "Hey, like, that's really
creepy, y'know?" But the government requires this kind of far-reaching
authority in order to remain in power, or rather, to effectively,
ahh, remain in control of all the shadowy threats. And that's
all of the shadowy threats, past, present and future:
the present-day ones, the future ones we've created by making
enemies out of most of the rest of the world by pretending to
go after the real threat while making a naked power grab, and
whatever other shadowy threats may need to arise if all the
rest of those are somehow kept sufficiently under control.
Listen, it's for your own good! Just like Mom and/or Dad used
to say. Because our beloved Administration, the Presidential
Branch, they're like the grownups, see? They just know better.
We should just do our part and let them do their's, make sure
our faces are clean (because we're pretty much being videotaped
all day long, in every store and on an increasing number of
street corners), and make sure we're on time for Work, in other
words, "School."
That's if you have work. If you don't, no problem. Soon, statistically
-- after just three months of unemployment, in fact -- you just
won't exist anymore! Problem solved.
This is all going to lead to much more efficient form of government.
When the opposition can be thoroughly spied on, its every communication
monitored, recorded, and optionally blocked, and all you need
to do is declare them a terrorist threat -- the new version
of "a Communist" -- administrations can relax and focus on governing,
instead of having to worry about the next election. Under the
present system, the primary, full time job of all politicians
is getting elected again, and their hobby is doing the job they
were elected for. This is very inefficient, and just won't do
for the demands of ruling, that is, governing in our frightful
modern world.
It's true that some versions of Thomas Jefferson's writings
contained lines about the duty of the citizenry to rebel if
government becomes imperial again, but newly discovered texts contain none of these obviously bogus statements. We're all relieved to know that these newly-found documents,
analyzed by a team of impartial experts (who teach
at schools with extensive government research projects, with
additional funding by the Republican National Committee),
are soon to become the official versions in the Library of Congress
and Smithsonian.
Yes, it's time to rethink our most fundamental approaches,
because the mental aspect is, after all, so important. One of
those mental things the so-called experts have always been telling
us to do in the modern era is that we must think "out of the
box." Well, like anyone with a dime's-worth of sense will recognize
right off, that's nothing but a sure-fire way to get lost.
If you have to stay out of the box, where are you going to
sleep? Well, you're going to start wandering around looking
for somewhere, and next thing you know it'll be dark and you
won't be able to find your way back and even if you did find
your way home you're supposed to stay out of the box anyway,
according to those same damn experts, so what do you do? You
wind up sleeping with women of low repute, that's what.
On the other hand, back in the box there's your lovely wife
(be she the first, second, or third, God love 'er, she's there
with you now,) and your 2.5 kids, there's probably a good game
on TV, and I think I smell something delicious cooking in the
oven.
On top of that, if we all stay in our boxes, then the officers
of the law can roam unfettered outside them, cleansing the land
of all danger and other unwanted influences.
So, where do we stand today? Things are going really, really
good. Thanks to people who abhor abortion but don't mind torturing
suspected enemies, or sending sincere young volunteers to die
in a phony war, and with probably a little insurance from Diebold,
we're ready to effectively take over.
Of course, there have been some setbacks. True, congress voted
down the Total Information Awareness program, but don't you
worry, because we had the right man on the job there in Admiral
Poindexter. As you may not recall (and that's what they're counting
on), he was one of the main players in the Iran/Contra scheme,
making sure the "contras" (Spanish for "freedom fighters")
in Nicaragua were being supported by the full faith and power
of our government, despite the fact that Congress had specifically
voted against helping those same contras.
So you can trust that the TIA program is progressing nicely under a new name,
and will probably be ready to implement across all of the nation's
computer networks next year when they try to get it through again. This tactic has worked splendidly before,
as in getting irradiated meat into stores under the
relabeling of "pasteurized," or in renaming an unprovoked, unilateral
invasion as an "Administrative Initiative in Support of Regime
Change."
Yes, the liberal librarians, libelous libertarians, and lackadaisical
libationists are whining away, like they always do, that this
Administeration is breaking down the walls between Church and
State, but why does it matter anymore? State has no real chance
against Army, with their running game. Mission Accomplished.
They still just give the ball to the Gipper, he scores again
against the Soviet Union, we all cheer, fade to black.
Boy, am I glad we have that Fade-To-Black effect. If we didn't,
I don't know where we'd go from here. (…What? There is no fade-to-black
effect?)
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(c) 2005 by Bill Ross
(Of course you have permission
to reproduce this article
with attribution and a link.
Thank you.)
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Yes,
the liberal librarians and libelous libertarians are whining
away like they always do, but that doesn't matter anymore.
(other
satires by BR) :
Greatest
Names In Sports
We come
to praise some of the biggest names in sports, and celebrate
one of their greatest games. All these years later, still no
one can believe how that game ended.!
Dance
Vs. Hoops
A move
to the basket is evaluated as success or a failure, increasing
accountability to the public. Dance struggles as a business
because it lacks this clear demarcation of value
Yet
a Few More
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